Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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