You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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