Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
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