Well douche your snatch and let's go!
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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