Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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