Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
