he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
