When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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