My boss' voice literally gives me gas
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
