my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
He better not be in your backpack
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
