Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm both gender and math confused
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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