A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
