I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
