The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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