Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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