I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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