stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
