I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
whose parrot is this?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
