Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
