in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
