i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
