Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
