I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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