I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
