unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Dicks are not precious.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize