she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize