I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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