all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
