I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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