The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize