Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
