If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
