god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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