Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
