I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Semen is not good for contacts.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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