Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
