Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
