He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
