Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
The power of my boobs compel you
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
