bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
