I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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