every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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