a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
