I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize