The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
