we're chasing vodka with high fives
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
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