These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
