He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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