it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
