the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
