Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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