just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Watching her eat just hurts me
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
