So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
