Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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