...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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